You know, sometimes i wonder to myself... whats the point in me being so nice to everybody? do i get the kick out of doing that? I mean, i seem to gain nothing... although it isn't all about gaining anything, but the only thing that seems to return is hurt... And this hurt is the same thing that is slowly eating me up from the inside... everyday, putting on a facade to tell myself that life is getting better, when it is actually already pretty much stagnant... i guess thats a part of me that i'll never be able to change... the fact that i'll always be so naive and gullible... always believing whatever people tell me... is that really a bad thing?
Today was a total waste of time at work... went to down to town in the evening to take a walk... as usual, still in a real fucked up mood...
I miss her..i really do... thats the reason for my mood swings these days... i know she's with someone else now, but i just can't help but miss her... it started when i was on holiday and god knows when the hell it will bloody fucking end... Somehow, i know its stupid that i'm still feeling this way... i should be over her... Why should i continue torturing myself like that? i guess this is a question that might never be answered unless you are the person facing this...Am i wrong?
i realise i sound awfully confused... its amazing that after 3 months, i'm still in this state... What the hell is wrong with me? its like i dun know myself anymore... i guess this is how much i have changed from last time...
After watching 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' the other day, i couldn't help but feel a sense of sorrow for what the character 'Joel' was going through... And if i were in the situation he were in, i guess i would like totally freak out... worse than i am now... good news is, at least the world ain't watching me freak out... at least the world won't know this unless i tell them or they read this... whateva the way, i'm just feeling really tired now... of everything.... happy, to me now basically spells out to be 'Have A Pathetic Phucked Year'... Ain't that great?
I think i'm losing it... i really have no idea what i'm writing now... Guess thats sums it all up... Me having no idea, no direction to go... No fixed motive in life anymore... As much as i know everybody will tell me thats temporary, it still sucks having to go through it...every other day, after work, i go walking around... i've never done that in the past... Have no fucking idea why i'm doing that now... Only thing i know is that it makes me feel a bit better... How? i have no fucking idea... I jusy really wonder how long more can i live like this?
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