Waiting

She sat by her grandmother's bed in the hospital. While her granny slept, the only thing which accompanied her was the sounds of her grandma's breathing aided by the machines, the mechenical beeping it made indicating her granny's heartbeat, and the pervasive silence all around... Sometimes, silence can really seem so loud. Especially when you're alone, and watching someone you love at their death bed, knowing still that it could go eitherway.

She had been here before. This had happened to granny too many times. Every few months ending up in the hospital as her condition deteriotated, from being bed ridden at home to being bed ridden in the hospital. The only change in the situation was the number of people at attention to deal with her either at home or the hospital.

She had lived a long hard life, and seemed like she would die the same way. Sometimes you wonder about how harsh life can be for someone like her to seem to suffer for so many years. Her husband died when she was 22, leaving her with 5 children. She worked two shifts at school to bring up her family. When she stopped working, she developed Bi-polar disorder - or perhaps it had always been inside her, but being without work triggered it full force. It was seemingly downhill from there... 40 odd years of suffering.

And here she lay... From all her efforts to build good lives for her children, here she lay.

Thoughts ran through her granddaughters mind... What if she died today? What would happen tomorrow? She always feared her granny dying on her watch. The second time that thought crossed her mind, her grandma's breathing DID STOP! The nurses rushed in to aid. She stepped aside to let them deal with it. Feeling as though she had brought it on by the thought.

She knew that her grandma was holding on for something. At the least, holding on to die at home, and not in the sterile environment of the hospital. She wanted to die in the place where she used to sleep best. At home, where so many memories were held.

Granny did survive this hospital stay. And a few more after that. A few more episodes of worrying, and wondering, and sometimes saying to granny "Why are you still holding on? Who are you holding on for? If you're tired, let go... Just let go..."

It may seem like a cruel thing to say. Knowing that in some subconsciouse state she can still hear you. Knowing that you want her to take that walk into the light...

When she finally did let go, in her own room, her own bed... The relief that came to the living could not be denied. She had suffered so long... 5 years bed ridden. For a woman who single handedly all on her own went through india to visit all the grand temples there! ON HER OWN! Certainly a feat for an Indian Woman! Aside from bringing up her children to be successful professionals all on her own while working two jobs.

Alass.. Her soul was put to rest.

It was for the best.

Rest in peace. You will always be loved and missed.