How do i fight this feeling?

Just read through her blog... and suddenly, i'm back into depression phase again... guess i ain't ready yet... well, at least i was civilised... that would probably be the only good thing... really can't describe how it feels... its like really sad, becuz its like as though all this time, it was nothing at all... that could possibly be one of the worst feelings in the world... Sometimes till today, i still wonder, does she REALLY know how i feel? she claims to know... but from the signs that i'm seeing, its either she's really insensitive or she's a damn good actress... Everyday, i wake up and tell myself that a new day has arrived and new beginnings will arrive but end the day feeling like a piece of shit... WHY???!!! depression just comes and goes as he pleases through me... honestly, all my life, i was always against the idea of people killing themselves cuz i always felt that there is always something worth living for... now i know how they feel... i'm not saying that family and frens ain't important...but nobody feels the pain more than the hurtee himself... The one who inflicts the hurt will never know how much pain they have caused... They think they do, but nothing will ever replace the feeling of feeling it... though i am grateful to all my frens for all the advice, i just really feel sick and tired of everything... its like losing a motive in life... nothing seems to matter anymore... the drive that pushes the engine just ain't there anymore... She'll neva understand... and i know she will say she does, and that i should just get over it but i'm trying ain't i? Every other day, i reach home, i feel so sad and redundant... yes, i feel i'm redundant... redundant to society.. reduced to be an outcast of society... and that is just one of the many after-effects that has resulted from this... i dun blame her.. i never will.. and all i will get out of this will probably be a " WHY U SO STUPID? ITS NOT WORTH IT!" i know... sometimes, its not knowing whether its worth it or not, its just doing it.. i know i promised that i wouldn't talk about it anymore 2 weeks ago but i need an outlet.... i can't hold it in me anymore... its too god damn mother fucking tiring to hold it inside me anymore... i dun think i can take this driving of myself crazy anymore.. sometimes, i just really wish i were dead. den maybe it would solve some things...maybe it wouldn't... but at least there won't be any continuation of it... and thats a start to a perfect dead end...